Three Little Words
The words we use either encourage us to be creative and
optimistic or they shut us down, give us a smaller view of
possibilities, and weaken us.
The words we use either encourage us to be creative and
optimistic or they shut us down, give us a smaller view of
possibilities, and weaken us.
The words we use define our personal reality to ourselves as
well as to others, and they have a very real effect on what we
allow ourselves to think. The words we use are the way we
tell ourselves what we deserve from life.
BUT
Have this ever been said to you? “This is a good idea, but –”
Get it? When I said “This is a good idea” you were probably
sorting for some time when you got complimented on an idea.
Then I said “but –” and you had to cringe a little.
We’ve all been taught that no matter what someone says, if they
add a “but –” we know to brace ourselves, here comes the little
twist that takes away most of the meaning from the beginning of
the sentence.
Happens all the time, doesn’t it? I mean, I know that you and I
would NEVER do that to others, yet people sure do it to us on a
constant basis.
And what’s even more interesting, people do it to themselves!
Just listen the next time a discussion comes up about what
someone wants, for example:
“I’d like to lose weight, but –”
“I’d like a promotion, but –”
“We could go see your parents on Saturday, but –”
Interesting, huh? What follows “but” is almost always either
something that wipes out a compliment, or an excuse for why
people can’t get what they want.
So here’s a little tip for you. What happens to these sentences
if we substitute “and” for “but”?
“This is a good idea, and –” Sounds like the idea may even be
accepted, doesn’t it?
“I’d like to lose weight, and –” And here’s how I’m going to do
it!
“I’d like a promotion, and –” And this is how I’m going to get
it and why I'm worth it.
“We could go see your parents on Saturday, and –” And we can have
dinner by the river on the way home, or we can stop at the new
shop you wanted to see on the way there, or whatever alternative
comes to mind.
“But” limits possibilities, and tells you what’s wrong and WHY
you can’t do something. “And” includes more choices, and leads to
thoughts of HOW you will do something.
They are the language of two different worlds, two different ways
of life.
Which world’s language do you prefer??
Which leads us to the next “little word.”
WHY
The problem with “why” is that it leads to “because.”
When you ask “why?” You are almost demanding a story that will
explain “why” things are as they are. And you’ll answer that
question with a story of why things are that way, whether they
are really like that or not!
BUT
Have this ever been said to you? “This is a good idea, but –”
Get it? When I said “This is a good idea” you were probably
sorting for some time when you got complimented on an idea.
Then I said “but –” and you had to cringe a little.
We’ve all been taught that no matter what someone says, if they
add a “but –” we know to brace ourselves, here comes the little
twist that takes away most of the meaning from the beginning of
the sentence.
Happens all the time, doesn’t it? I mean, I know that you and I
would NEVER do that to others, yet people sure do it to us on a
constant basis.
And what’s even more interesting, people do it to themselves!
Just listen the next time a discussion comes up about what
someone wants, for example:
“I’d like to lose weight, but –”
“I’d like a promotion, but –”
“We could go see your parents on Saturday, but –”
Interesting, huh? What follows “but” is almost always either
something that wipes out a compliment, or an excuse for why
people can’t get what they want.
So here’s a little tip for you. What happens to these sentences
if we substitute “and” for “but”?
“This is a good idea, and –” Sounds like the idea may even be
accepted, doesn’t it?
“I’d like to lose weight, and –” And here’s how I’m going to do
it!
“I’d like a promotion, and –” And this is how I’m going to get
it and why I'm worth it.
“We could go see your parents on Saturday, and –” And we can have
dinner by the river on the way home, or we can stop at the new
shop you wanted to see on the way there, or whatever alternative
comes to mind.
“But” limits possibilities, and tells you what’s wrong and WHY
you can’t do something. “And” includes more choices, and leads to
thoughts of HOW you will do something.
They are the language of two different worlds, two different ways
of life.
Which world’s language do you prefer??
Which leads us to the next “little word.”
WHY
The problem with “why” is that it leads to “because.”
When you ask “why?” You are almost demanding a story that will
explain “why” things are as they are. And you’ll answer that
question with a story of why things are that way, whether they
are really like that or not!
“Why are people such rude drivers?” -- Because if I accept the
assumption that “all people are rude drivers” I can complain and
whine and be miserable instead of just dealing with the reality that
some people don’t handle traffic pressures very well.
“I just don’t understand why you would want that –” -- Because if you
“I just don’t understand why you would want that –” -- Because if you
agree to explain why you want that and I don’t want you to have it and
you can’t persuade me to accept your choices I get to control you.
“Why can’t I get a break?” -- Because I already decided that I will
“Why can’t I get a break?” -- Because I already decided that I will
never get a break, so I must be a loser.
The question “why” is useful to two year olds, and perhaps detectives on a
case or scientists in the lab.
The question “why” is useful to two year olds, and perhaps detectives on a
case or scientists in the lab.
Not so much for adults.
You want to know what’s an even more useful word for most of us,
most of the time?
The word is “how.” As in, “How can I create a break for myself?”
You want to know what’s an even more useful word for most of us,
most of the time?
The word is “how.” As in, “How can I create a break for myself?”
Or, “How can I best deal with a rude driver when I encounter one?”
Or, “How can what I want have any impact on you, and what can I
do to ease that?”
Again, two different words from two different outlooks. “Why”
invites you to accept whatever the stated reality is, and then
demands that you make up a story that explains it.
Again, two different words from two different outlooks. “Why”
invites you to accept whatever the stated reality is, and then
demands that you make up a story that explains it.
Probably a waste of time, unless you get your jollies making up
stories about unimportant stuff. “Why” turns our view to the past,
looking for causes and for people to blame.
On the other hand, “How” is an action word. It looks to the
future. “How” can I get what I want?” Or, “How can I mesh my
desires with another person’s desires?”
Good question. And it leads you in a direction of action. And
actions are the stuff of life.
Okay, here's the next "bad boy" little word that shuts down thinking.
SHOULD
“I should have done it differently.”
“You should do it like they do.”
“What should I do?”
This time I have no suggestion for an alternative word. Well, actually
On the other hand, “How” is an action word. It looks to the
future. “How” can I get what I want?” Or, “How can I mesh my
desires with another person’s desires?”
Good question. And it leads you in a direction of action. And
actions are the stuff of life.
Okay, here's the next "bad boy" little word that shuts down thinking.
SHOULD
“I should have done it differently.”
“You should do it like they do.”
“What should I do?”
This time I have no suggestion for an alternative word. Well, actually
I do, a bit later. First I want to express a big caution about this word
because it comes so often from childish assumptions.
We all have a parent’s voice in our heads, treating us like we’re still
We all have a parent’s voice in our heads, treating us like we’re still
wearing diapers. And this word is surely a parent’s word, telling
us what we “should” do.
“Should” and even worse, “should have” will make you miserable.
They are the words of dissatisfaction and helplessness and regret
and guilt.
Try this. “I want” instead of “I should.” Even if you add the
same ending, you get more power — more ADULT power, from saying
“I want to do it differently next time” or, “I want to be on time” Instead
“Should” and even worse, “should have” will make you miserable.
They are the words of dissatisfaction and helplessness and regret
and guilt.
Try this. “I want” instead of “I should.” Even if you add the
same ending, you get more power — more ADULT power, from saying
“I want to do it differently next time” or, “I want to be on time” Instead
of "I should be on time" or “I shouldn’t be late.”
Think about the words you use — both to others and more importantly,
to yourself.Think about the words you use — both to others and more importantly,
Especially these three thought-stopping little words.
